3 and a Half Ways to End a Relationship- by Skip
If you read PGI often, you might know Skip, our anonymous reader who sends me letters and calls me "Lix". Whether he's talking about his kissing conundrum or about finding the one, he never fails to crack us up. Here's his latest letter where he talks about ending a relationship without looking like a jerk. Enjoy!
Dear Lix,
It’s been a while and I miss you too.
Nothing much has been happening, except that I’ve really been trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I’m here for; so I’ve stopped eating healthy, I don't think I’m supposed to be about that balanced-diet-fit-fam life, although I recently started fixing the sheets once I finally wake up in the morning; it’s crazy, I’m like a machine, I’m up, wham bam, bed fixed! I consider this cool and very adult. Also, no more pre-marital sexing on that bed. Not anymore. I have moved all that business to the guest room; I’m like a machine.
So this morning, I realized she was gone and it really hurt me. No heads-up, no conversation, nothing! She left with all her sweetness and hotness, even groundnut too. My boli woman was always there for me, always always, and I’m all for road reconstruction and better infrastructure, but when the government decides to interfere with my relationship and move her away, that’s where I draw the line. I strongly feel these past months together can’t have been for nothing, I bet she knew weeks ago that she would have to leave and she didn’t say anything; she was today’s plan for lunch.
Maybe she couldn’t bear to see my disappointed face. Maybe she didn’t care. Maybe she did. Maybe she left a note. Maybe last night’s rain washed away her note; although a note is hardly the fitting way to end what we had. I even told her at times when I had to travel. Lix, do you remember that ex that thought I would be interested in making the 6-hour journey to attend her wedding? She also thought it was appropriate to end our 4-year relationship with a text message. It’s like nobody knows how to breakup properly, because that’s what happened to me this morning, it was a breakup, and I’m not going to put this one on the government.
Meanwhile, let me share the 3 most appropriate ways to breakup since this has suddenly become about that:
1. Speak your truth.
Speak your truth and end with ‘…so I think we should end this’. By truth, I mean the honest reasons everybody thinks they want to hear, that they deserve to hear, until they hear and then they wish that they didn’t, like ‘Agnes, I really don’t like you anymore, so I think we should end this’, ‘Agnes, I’ve met someone better for me so….’, ‘Agnes, although it was my idea, I can’t handle the distance so…’, ‘Agnes, I just had the best sex with someone else....in the guest room, so…’, ‘Agnes, your house is in Festac so…’. Whatever you do, don’t chicken out with Agnes, it’s not you, it’s me. You may text, BBM or WhatsApp your truth. You can also put it in a note but make sure to write legibly and throw in a few xoxo’s at the end; I give you extra points if you tweet your truth @Agnes.
2. Restore to Factory Settings
This is way easier but takes a longer time than speaking your truth. Basically, what you to do is nothing! Act like there was never a relationship. Stop visiting or hanging out, stop those long phone conversations, and maybe don’t even pick up calls. Remember you’re a busy person, so make sure to reschedule every time he/she tries to meet up. Make sure to be as cordial as possible though, nobody is fighting with anybody! If he/she tries to start fight, don’t do it, apologize and promise to be better but don’t be better. In two months or less, you’ll be single and if you play this just right, he/she will break up with you and then you get extra points.
This requires you to be an Asshole and I know this comes more naturally to some folks while others may have to dig deeper to find their inner asshole, but it gets the job done; especially if you’re in the business of hurting people: and breaking up is all about hurting people, whether or not you mean to, so you might as well be the best asshole you can be.
You know that boyfriend who went funny and you don’t know what happened because he was so very cool and you loved him really hard? Now you know he couldn’t speak his truth so he restored to factory settings!
3. Fake your death.
Fake your death. The key here is to "Fake it". If at any point you realize you’ve died for real, then you haven’t done this right; so you died and made wrong life choices, I hope you now realise it wasn’t even that deep.
There may be a 4th appropriate way called “The Idealist-ist”, this is where you bla bla bla bla I’m tired of making stuff up! See Lix, I don’t think breakups are meant to be “appropriate”. Boli women leave and hurt you, you find better Boli so you start buying from someone else, you decide to balance-diet-fit-fam because, summer body, so you stop eating Boli.
Breakups are by their nature very horrible, at least for one person. “We had such a magical evening, and the breakup made it even more special”, said no one. I’m certain if someone decides to stop being with you, there’s not much you can do; and maybe it honestly isn’t you, and it’s them, I don’t know.
I guess if you have to, just do it!
Abi?
On your sofa,
Skip.
Disclaimer: PGI does not endorse the happenings of Skip's guestroom.
Related posts: 8 reasons you might be stuck in a bad relationship; The sunny side of your breakup; What to expect when you call up an ex!
Lessons from the Bosses of Spring Cleaning
Last weekend, I did some form of home spring cleaning, not because it's the beginning of spring and i adhere strictly to the spring cleaning calendar but because we can't find our TV remote! It has been missing for about 5 weeks now. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do, considering the fact that Game of Thrones is starting soon. Sigh. Anyway, this weekend, I plan to repeat the process. I'm planning on going into every cold, dark nook and cranny. I'm going to be so thorough even the founders of spring cleaning would be proud.
Spring cleaning is a practice that is believed to have originated with the Jews. These spring cleaning pioneers would clean their homes so intensely in anticipation of Passover, ensuring that their homes were rid of leaven bread or anything containing yeast. I always thought they just couldn't eat the leaven bread during that period, but actually, even pieces and crumbs of yeasty food couldn't be present. It had to be spanking cleaning! They even had a candlelight search of corners and spaces for these crumbs, much to the distress of mice. Now tell me if i look for my remote like this, wouldn't i have found it? I'm adopting these cleaning/searching practices immediately!
This weekend the plan is to spring clean; both the living areas and my virtual areas. My virtual areas are little more unruly than my living area. Here are a few areas i'm planning to systemically tidy, you could consider giving it a swab too!
1. Phone Apps: My phone looks like my App Store exploded. I need to arrange those accordingly. What does your home screen look like? Do you find yourself searching for an app?
2. Emails: I get about 40 emails a day. Mostly from people telling me to buy stuff; get 20% off this, 40% off this. No one ever says 80%! I politely turned down a cashier on Tuesday, when she asked for my email address.
No 80% off, no email. I'm kidding. It felt good turning it down though.
3. Communication and Affiliation: Toxic affiliations and influences need to be cut off. If every time you speak to a person, you feel awful after, it's probably a leaven-crumb situation. Sweep. That also goes for people who advice you without your best interest at heart. Sweep.
4. Mind: Out with the grudge specks and resentment crumbs. Sometimes, you can't stand a person and you think it's ok not to, until it morphs into hate. Let it go. Grudges and choosing not to forgive is so time-energy-health-and-life consuming. Why hold a grudge when you can eat sharwama after a spa day and dream about the day you'll finally get 80% off!
Please pray for me that I find my remote, I really don't want to buy another.
Something tells me that remote might be in the freezer....
What are you spring cleaning this season?
How to Ward off Bae-Predators!
The world was a large place arranged in order by the careful and deliberate actions of the creator. Now, in the begining, he made man and woman. It was a pair (a him-her kinda project). Things were good, strolls were taken naked and everything was just plain organic and airy.
Then came the serpent; suddenly, "him" and "her" ate a fruit, everything went south, disorder took over, lions began to eat us for lunch, couture was born and most importantly, side-chics appeared.
Since the appearance of side-chics (a.k.a boo-poachers, a.k.a bae-predators), everyone has gone crazy and back trying to understand the best way to deal with this societal dysfunction. These days women look over their shoulders and skitter around like mice, looking through baes' phone, emails, bank statements, checking for the slightest semblance of infidelity, eyeing him suspiciously as he chuckles at his phone....all......because....... of....... one........ fruit.
These poachers are everywhere, just last month in fact, at a funeral, some lady found Ed quite remarkable and whispered, "Hey, dark hot chocolate" as she passed by him. Ha! All over, I tell you, in crevices and cracks, hanging off the walls and slithering through grocery stores and even funerals!
Have no fear though! Once again, we have science to thank for another relationship hack. A couple of months back i stumbled on a study from the University of Minnesota which discussed a discovery of the ultimate territory marking ingredient! Imagine if it works, we might be on the verge of solving an ancient disturbingly habitual social impairment.
So what is it? What is this salt that wards away the vampire?
One word.
Handbags. Two words actually.
Luxury Handbags.
Studies show that the display of luxury items ward off potential bae-predators. Hmmm.
They discovered that women who carry designer bags or shoes come off to relationship-hyenas as stable, as well as having loving devoted partners!
These affair-friendly females reported that they would think twice before pursuing a man who was on a date with a woman with luxury accessories! It didn't even matter if they were told that the luxury item was bought by the woman herself and not the man. They just believed the man had something to do with the provision of these items and believe when a man buys expensive things for his significant other, it means he is vested in the relationship. It's a double whammy, new bags 😍 and territory marking.
Nevertheless, luxury bags probably aren't a sustainable solution. Imagine you invest in a pricey item based on this post and for the first few years, you go everywhere with this bag and bae; what if you can't buy anymore of these expensive bags and the predator sees you 15 years later with the same now-weathered bag, all thread bare and stressed, she'd probably figure out it was just a poor front that she should have ignored 15 years ago. Predator-mode activated!
Therefore, instead of lugging around the 15 year-old hustle-satchel, here's a more sustainable way; ensure your relationship has the highest standard of love, friendship, transparency, communication, honesty and of course, a handbag fund.
What are your thoughts? Anyone finding bae chocolatey? What really is this world coming to (rhetoric question, except you have an answer!)
How I Hacked Winter Studying
Yet again I find myself studying in the winter, a girl who grew up knowing two seasons; the humidly hot rainy season and the dry, even-hotter harmattan season.
I foresee many more scholarly winters in my future. Winter, if you ask me should be a season where we all hibernate like bears; cuddle up in caves, metabolism low as heck, drink tea (or whatever bears drink) and file our nails....but again no one has asked me.
While we all wait for me to be asked, I have tried to make my winter studying as conducive for success as possible. My winter study kit includes (and I want you to picture as I list them): a cup of tea, a blanket, my socks, huge sweater, lounge pants, hot water bottle, my books/laptop, my bed and a pillow. If you have envisioned this study-kit properly, you'll conclude that chances are that I'm going to study for 5 minutes and then fall asleep until 6 AM, then I'd wake up angrily and start study again.....and you are right. Winter studying is a pain.
So how did I hack it? It was pretty easy. It was through the unintentional help of two of my friends.
I had told these two on separate occasions about my 5 minute study and snooze situation. They jokingly advised me with the best study hack ever, winter or not. The interesting thing was hearing the same suggestion from two different minds. They said the next time I snoozed 5 mins into studying, I should tape my tuition receipt to my desk....as a friendly-ish reminder. It cracked me up, still does whenever I think about it but they had a very valid point. A reminder that tuition has been paid for your endeavors either by a parent, guardian or yourself does give you a kick in the bum. It gives even a harder kick when it's a loan. I taped my tuition receipt to my desk and it helped me through a cold, windy winter. Bet i'd do it again soon. So thank you guys, you helped me hack winter studying!
What's in your study kit? Have you hacked winter studying? Tell us how!
The Green-Eyed Monster (featuring Kermit and Thor)
Envy stems from a dissatisfaction with the present circumstances of our lives, in light of the progress of someone else's.
One minute, we love our jobs, our cars, our engagement rings, our apartments and houses, the next minute not so much, because that other girl's job is so much more glamorous, it takes her to places with names you can't pronounce, her engagement ring breaks your screen when you see it on Instagram, her boyfriend looks like Thor, her car looks like the Jetsons', her apartment must have been fork-lifted off of @InspireMeHomeDecor. Suddenly your stuff looks so raggedy and ancient. Suddenly, your boyfriend looks like Kermit.
Envy starts with that subtle conscious or unconscious comparison of what we have with what belongs to someone else. Then we begin to wish it was ours. We wonder what makes her so special. We wonder why we are so unlucky. You wonder how a girl like that gets all that stuff and a girl as hardworking and morally superb as you gets.....this.
Why in the world do we spend time comparing our lives with that of others? Why do we let the good fortune of others so easily upset our state of contentment? Why do we let it ridicule all we have obtained and worked so hard for? We let it exhaust our effort and cloak our accomplishments.
One thing I know is that envy needs your permission to do all these things. Another thing I know is envy puts a cap on your capabilities! I can't decide if that is a corny line or if it sounds good. Lol. It's the truth though, it puts a cap on it, air-tight and all. It limits your achievements to the standard of the person you envy. You'll never do better than that person. Think about it, what if we are destined for more than what that person has? What if we are destined for an amazing ever-after with Kermit-bf or a way more fulfilling job? What if Kermit-bf hooks you up with a nicer ring eventually? What if?
In Ancient Greece, envy was frequently associated with illness. The Greeks compared envy and jealousy with liver disease, during which bile is overproduced in the liver, turning the patient a little green. They may have found envy so ailing and debilitating that they came up with the expression "green with envy".
I agree that envy is a disease. Your immunity to it, however, is contentment and realizing your path is unique; that your life's plan which God drew out is the most optimal plan, any other plan would be substandard.
So do you have that friend who has it all together; great job, smart, talented, stylish, Thor-Idris hybrid of a boyfriend and all the things you wish you had? If you don't, you should get one. It's a great opportunity to learn to be delighted for another person's good fortune, a chance to overcome the green fluorescence of envy. When you finally do, you'll be a better person than you ever were.
Have you hacked envy? Please tell us how!
Don't forget to enter for the give-away!
7 days = Creativity
This post is inspired by Brit and Co's #iamcreative initiative. I think they just broke my excitement scale.
Next week is my creativity week. I will be taking 7 days out to create something unique, never mind unsightly, at least it would be all me. I plan to do this activity for at least an hour everyday starting Monday. I have a pack of paint brushes that I use as accent decor, I guess it's time to put them to work. I also might try to bake something or make a drawing of some sort. Whatever it is, it's going to be thoroughly exciting and i can't wait to show it to you. No judgement, remember! Safe space and all. Lol.
Some creativity tips i'll be working with include:
Know thyself, Ike: Clearly there will be no creating before 6am as it is widely known that i am not a morning person and do not like to be spoken to before the hour of 9.
Habits, Chores: I have to make sure all my chores are done the night before. I don't think Picasso woke up to a sink full of dishes and was bursting with inspiration and enthusiasm.
Ignore social media, just a little bit: I'm going to be a little behind on the memes and trends. Please, please tag me in all of them, I'll catch up during the weekend.
Read on new creative project: YouTube it, that's creativity heaven.
Exercise everyday and stay still: Exercise and moments of silence are awesome for creativity, though on opposite sides of the spectrum. The shower is known for crazy epiphanies and inspiration too. However, I will not be exercising in the shower in an attempt to kill two birds with one stone, although the thought has crossed my mind.
Show at least one person your work, artists do not like to show people what they've done but your work is all you! Plus you get better everyday. By day 7, you actually might consider a career change.
Would you like to get in on this challenge? .......unleash your inner creator? Here are some ideas of stuff to create and activities to engage in:
- An entirely new dish with strange ingredients
- A painting you'd be proud to hang on your wall or give to the president, either works, no pressure
- Photoshop editing, you could download a trial and watch what you can do to a picture of your ex! No, not that one, the other one, the awful one with nose hair! I'm kidding, no meaness. Try editing one of you favorite photos. Watch YouTube videos to help breeze through.
- Knit something burgundy, color of the season and rightly so!
- Write something, anything; an experience, a story, a recipe, anything.
- Bake something you'd usually buy.
- If knitting and cooking is too Stepford-wives for you, there's also graffiti, murals, ceiling work(MichaelAngelo style), sewing(Stepford again), sewing with leather and metal, designing, dress-making for dolls (I used to be a pro!), carving, sculpturing, web designing. There's just so much to do.
Art and creativity is renown for improving and maintaining health. If you are stressed and having a tough week, well, art and creativity is exactly the pill you need to pop. It's wonderful, feeling proud about something you have made with your hands or mind. When you get discouraged, think out loud to yourself "God is the great creator, and guess who was made in his image." Wink.
What are you going to create?
Long Distance Relationships: You, Her and Jack
Let it be known that, at some point during a long distance relationship (LDR), there are three members of the relationship; you, her and Jack.
Before we talk about Jack, let's set the stage; you and your girlfriend have been dating for some time and are cheerfully resident in close proximity, but now she has to relocate to Switzerland because she has been admitted into a graduate program of her dreams. The only thing is you are stuck here, wherever here is, with the rest of us! Hi, neighbor!
So Switzerland; she settles in, you talk often, very often; skype, FaceTime, BB video, letters, letters in bottles, tin phones, the works. There are a few times when you promise to call but you fall asleep with your face in your dinner (the story of my life in grad school). Apart from the macaroni stuck in your left nostril, everything is fine.
Then comes Jackson.
Jackson (or Jack), the guy who lives in the same city as she does. The guy who reminds your girlfriend how far away you are. Jack makes it apparent how often you don't call back. He shows her all the things you do wrong and all the standards you fail to live up to as a boyfriend. He makes a big deal about how you can’t make it for christmas. That’s unforgivable, he’d say, shaking his head. You don’t deserve that. He tells her.
So basically, he makes sure you look like a jerk. This he might do explicitly or implicitly. Explicitly by saying it out loud and implicitly by doing all the things you should be doing. He shows how often you don’t visit her by visiting her, frequently, sometimes he's in the background of your Skype calls!
I don't know from under what rock Jacksons crawl out from but I am certain that there is a Jackson rock where they meet and hand out little booklets because they tend to be consistent in their behavior. He calls coincidentally when your face is stuck in your dinner. He shows up at her door with lunch/Sharwama/coffee/smoothies.....my personal favorite, friendship flowers. He doles out a couple of these famous Jackson quotes:
"You deserve better."
"What does he mean he can't make it for Christmas?"
"How do you know he's not cheating at this very moment?"
"If I was dating someone like you, I'd be here every weekend"
"Why do you have to go and see him, why can't he come here?"
"Wow, that's all he got you for your birthday."
"He mailed your gift?"
"If you were mine....."
The general one-size fits all response to all these statements is, "Do you not have anything better to do, Jack?", said in all sincerity. I don't know where they get the time and energy to chip at someone else's hard work.
However, no need to despair, there maybe some hidden advantages in this Jack matter. First, Jack keeps you on your toes, which is a good thing.
Second,…….there’s no second.
If ever your LDR encounters a Jack, it would be great if her conviction about your love for her is extremely firm. I had some Jacks at different times of my 6-year LDR and of course, the bull-headed side of me met the statements with retorts and general intransigence but still, i always found myself drawn to Ed at those times because i needed to be sure this Jack guy was on crack (I, in fact think one of them might have been) and i needed to know that all he was saying couldn't be validated. It's important to prove all Jack's comments void and to ensure her security in your commitment. Her mind has to be stronger than Jack’s voice in her head. The only thing that makes her mind stronger in an LDR are your words, attention and gestures. Keep the fights to a minimum. Be creative with your gifts. Be consistent with your communication. Beware of the Jacks.
Have you had any Jack experiences? Or Jackie experiences (see below)?! Even more thrilling, are you a Jack?
Note: There are girl-Jacks too, the Jackies. That's another post altogether.
How to deal with Negative people (1)
Everyone has suddenly gone snobby with management of negative people! The general rule is to avoid them like a plague. Do not relate with them, everyone says, they spoil our own good vibe, our crystal aura, they disrupt the sea gulls that squeal around in our bubble of tranquility. They distract our unicorns from drinking from the burbly, shimmery brook, they ruin our day with their thunderous, dark clouds. Spot the negative people and then weed them out. I like this rule because its convenient and frankly i don't have to deal with anyone's bad aura. I have things to do and I have a calendar full of tasks and deadlines. I need to be productive and we all know what they say about productivity (*insert abstract Productivity quote*).
Nevertheless, i can't agree with this rule. It belittles my ability to impact others positively and i'm also at risk. You see, sometimes, i could be a little negative myself and I could very well be excluded from the unicorn islands of the "positive people"! And who wants that? No one! There's no way i'm passing on unicorns. So i have decided to deal with the bigger problem, bigger than dealing with negative people - dealing with negative me.
How to deal with negative people me
1. Think positively (but you already knew that)
Everyone knows this, but we only begin to chant "Think positively" when stuff has gone crazy and our negativity has gone crazy wild, biting at our heels and trying to ruin our lives. Thinking positively is a life style. It's everyday, every night, every waking, blinking second; not a magic wand. Whatever you think up in your mind or whatever ruling thought dominates your heart is what will spill out. Yes, your thoughts eventually spill out. It's like burping. If you had sea food gumbo for lunch, your burp 3 hours later will be nothing short of epic. So, think positively, ruminate on the good thoughts and burp rainbows.
2. STOP HAVING COFFEE AND DOUBLE-CHOC MUFFINS WITH FEAR
Honestly, i think at some point, fear was my best friend. Interestingly, she was always there. I never could complain that she ditched me....always there, in my bed, in the dark, in the car, on my run, on the plane. I literally would entertain fear unconsciously, until one day, she decided to take over my life. "She's part of the human response", you might think. True, but she is also NEGATIVITY in the flesh. So we broke up. Yup, we had bad blood. Definitely had bad blood. We could not be friends anymore. No more hanging out and catching up, started snobbing her and ever since, it has been coffee with God instead.
3. New habit: Choose not to complain
Complaining signifies a state of helplessness and constant dissatisfaction. It's not healthy for you or the people around you, so Shake it off! Shake it off! (I am on a Taylor Swift roll today). It takes a while to train yourself to stop complaining. On the average, it takes 66 days to acquire a habit (sometimes a little more). Try not complaining about traffic, the driver that just cut in, your commute, your boyfriend/husband/wife, parents, kids, work, the weather, lunch, the neighbor whose food smells like locust beans for 66 days. It will be the best 95,040 minutes of your life!
4. The gratitude plug
If you know anything about change at all or about quitting, you'd know a void appears in the absence of a past habit. So what to do with this gape left by complaining? Stuff it with gratitude, most especially to God. I don't know anyone who cares so much about anyone else as He does about us. There are so many things to be grateful for. That locust-beans neighbor for one, is something to be grateful for. Loads of people will kill for a neighbor of any sort but they don't have the opportunity (think Syria).
5. #NOTEVERYTIMEDEVILSADVOCATE
Encourage others! To encourage means 'to give confidence to.' People need confidence and its completely in our power to inspire. Speak words that encourage, not words that cut down. Encourage people to dream...dream big and to achieve those dreams, even if the dream is to sell a wide variety of colorful sequins for a living, just be supportive. Sometimes people in our lives do things we can't relate to and then we get stuck in our lack of understanding and do nothing. It's not about us, its about being a form of support #noteverytimedevilsadvocate #Justsupport #butonlylegalstuff .
6. See the good in people
I know. Some people task your optic nerves trying to see the good in them but it's there. Seeing the good in people requires you readjusting your perspective. Just a little more to the right. Yup, there it is.
7. Say Good things about people
Sometimes the words fall out of our mouths, but do they.....really? Every word that comes out of your mouth is actually passed along an interestingly complex neural circuit in your brain. It didn't just fall out. It was thought through and then it deliberately stepped off the ledge of your tongue. The fact that it's conscious and calculated means its controllable. We can actually CHOOSE to say good things. Speaking good about people is a necessity for the health of your mind. Trust me.
Do you have any tips on dealing with inner negativity? Please share below and remember to love on a negative person today! Unicorns are so in!