3 and a Half Ways to End a Relationship- by Skip
If you read PGI often, you might know Skip, our anonymous reader who sends me letters and calls me "Lix". Whether he's talking about his kissing conundrum or about finding the one, he never fails to crack us up. Here's his latest letter where he talks about ending a relationship without looking like a jerk. Enjoy!
Dear Lix,
It’s been a while and I miss you too.
Nothing much has been happening, except that I’ve really been trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I’m here for; so I’ve stopped eating healthy, I don't think I’m supposed to be about that balanced-diet-fit-fam life, although I recently started fixing the sheets once I finally wake up in the morning; it’s crazy, I’m like a machine, I’m up, wham bam, bed fixed! I consider this cool and very adult. Also, no more pre-marital sexing on that bed. Not anymore. I have moved all that business to the guest room; I’m like a machine.
So this morning, I realized she was gone and it really hurt me. No heads-up, no conversation, nothing! She left with all her sweetness and hotness, even groundnut too. My boli woman was always there for me, always always, and I’m all for road reconstruction and better infrastructure, but when the government decides to interfere with my relationship and move her away, that’s where I draw the line. I strongly feel these past months together can’t have been for nothing, I bet she knew weeks ago that she would have to leave and she didn’t say anything; she was today’s plan for lunch.
Maybe she couldn’t bear to see my disappointed face. Maybe she didn’t care. Maybe she did. Maybe she left a note. Maybe last night’s rain washed away her note; although a note is hardly the fitting way to end what we had. I even told her at times when I had to travel. Lix, do you remember that ex that thought I would be interested in making the 6-hour journey to attend her wedding? She also thought it was appropriate to end our 4-year relationship with a text message. It’s like nobody knows how to breakup properly, because that’s what happened to me this morning, it was a breakup, and I’m not going to put this one on the government.
Meanwhile, let me share the 3 most appropriate ways to breakup since this has suddenly become about that:
1. Speak your truth.
Speak your truth and end with ‘…so I think we should end this’. By truth, I mean the honest reasons everybody thinks they want to hear, that they deserve to hear, until they hear and then they wish that they didn’t, like ‘Agnes, I really don’t like you anymore, so I think we should end this’, ‘Agnes, I’ve met someone better for me so….’, ‘Agnes, although it was my idea, I can’t handle the distance so…’, ‘Agnes, I just had the best sex with someone else....in the guest room, so…’, ‘Agnes, your house is in Festac so…’. Whatever you do, don’t chicken out with Agnes, it’s not you, it’s me. You may text, BBM or WhatsApp your truth. You can also put it in a note but make sure to write legibly and throw in a few xoxo’s at the end; I give you extra points if you tweet your truth @Agnes.
2. Restore to Factory Settings
This is way easier but takes a longer time than speaking your truth. Basically, what you to do is nothing! Act like there was never a relationship. Stop visiting or hanging out, stop those long phone conversations, and maybe don’t even pick up calls. Remember you’re a busy person, so make sure to reschedule every time he/she tries to meet up. Make sure to be as cordial as possible though, nobody is fighting with anybody! If he/she tries to start fight, don’t do it, apologize and promise to be better but don’t be better. In two months or less, you’ll be single and if you play this just right, he/she will break up with you and then you get extra points.
This requires you to be an Asshole and I know this comes more naturally to some folks while others may have to dig deeper to find their inner asshole, but it gets the job done; especially if you’re in the business of hurting people: and breaking up is all about hurting people, whether or not you mean to, so you might as well be the best asshole you can be.
You know that boyfriend who went funny and you don’t know what happened because he was so very cool and you loved him really hard? Now you know he couldn’t speak his truth so he restored to factory settings!
3. Fake your death.
Fake your death. The key here is to "Fake it". If at any point you realize you’ve died for real, then you haven’t done this right; so you died and made wrong life choices, I hope you now realise it wasn’t even that deep.
There may be a 4th appropriate way called “The Idealist-ist”, this is where you bla bla bla bla I’m tired of making stuff up! See Lix, I don’t think breakups are meant to be “appropriate”. Boli women leave and hurt you, you find better Boli so you start buying from someone else, you decide to balance-diet-fit-fam because, summer body, so you stop eating Boli.
Breakups are by their nature very horrible, at least for one person. “We had such a magical evening, and the breakup made it even more special”, said no one. I’m certain if someone decides to stop being with you, there’s not much you can do; and maybe it honestly isn’t you, and it’s them, I don’t know.
I guess if you have to, just do it!
Abi?
On your sofa,
Skip.
Disclaimer: PGI does not endorse the happenings of Skip's guestroom.
Related posts: 8 reasons you might be stuck in a bad relationship; The sunny side of your breakup; What to expect when you call up an ex!
Experience: The "Don't-Catch-Feelings" Community
I started out dating with my “Don't Catch Feelings (DCF)” banner flapping wildly in the wind. I was young and already i had become very jaded. Let me see, did i have those proverbial romantic tummy butterflies then? I believe i did, until sprayed them all with proverbial Raid. Hehe. Anyway, i was the poster child for this ‘no feelings caught’ business. Of course, this led to a relatively dysfunctional relationship. It was like dating an ice princess. Poor guy.
I have to admit, it was a little fun. Not having to deal with drama. If he acted up, i’d just grab a pineapple-based cocktail and sail away on a raft, humming along to Harry Belafonte. I had zero time for drama, which, if you ask me is a pretty sweet deal.
Recently, the art of “Not catching feelings” has been on the rise. People are eagerly choosing to be in “relationships of convenience”, with minimal or no responsibilities, you hang around, take what you want and enjoy the sunny days and fun nights. I’ll admit it’s very handy when it comes to avoiding getting heartbroken, even though it all begins with getting heartbroken in the first place!
The psychological term associated with the 'DCF' rave is “Dissociation”. Dissociation is a coping or defense mechanism which people employ to manage, survive or hack impending or contingently difficult situations. It’s usually caused by trauma, in this case emotional trauma and the effects of dissociation is moderately mild. Psychologists, however, suggest that we are designed to connect, to build relationships and nurture them, i.e we are wired to catch feelings! Pickle, hmm?
So what to do? Stick with the desire to build relationships based on love and a deluge of emotions with a seemingly normal person or put up the walls asap? As a past DCF chairperson and wall-builder extraordinaire, what would i advice people to do?
Ideally, i should scream “Catch feelings! Fall in love!” from the top of a roof to everyone bearing the banner but i won’t. Partly because, my ice princess-pineapple cocktail-Harry Belafonte relationship mentioned above ended pretty badly just because i chose to dip my banner just a little bit for him. I thought, maybe, he might be worth leaving the DCF community for, to resurrect the tummy butterflies for, to stop drinking those cocktails for and actually work at a mature relationship with; but then *insert china breaking sound* Heart. Broken. All. Over. The. Floor.
This is where the DCF community would smack me over the head and say “Gosh, you were doing so well! WE NEVER CATCH FEELINGS, remember?” Then they’d proceed to expel me as the poster child. Lol.
After that experience, it was like i tattooed the banner all over myself. Lol. I was like a mutant with Feelings Ricocheting super-powers; harder than “the thing” and colder than “J. Frost”. I couldn’t cry, not even if i wanted to and that was the best part. Whenever any guy acted out, i grabbed two cocktails this time and sailed away.
Bye, Felix
I believe in loving completely and totally but how realistic is it to love a partner after awful heartbreaks? Do the DCF community have a point? Yes, they do; be careful who you fall for, don’t love recklessly, guard your heart. It’s too precious and the predators aren’t that hard to identify. We always see the signs!
On the other hand, loving freely and intensely must have its benefits and it does—in the right relationship with the right person.
Eventually, i retired from DCF, i met Ed and he taught me that i could have the best of both worlds—catch all the feelings that i possibly could while sailing away on a raft with a significant other, both of us drinking pineapple based cocktails and humming along to Harry Belafonte, of whom he’s a huge fan!
Sweet deal, huh?
What’s your take on “Not Catching Feelings”? It’s an old art developed in an attempt to outsmart getting hurt. Can we really outsmart getting hurt though? Do you rep DCF? Are you retired?
Related posts: The road to the DCF community; The Sunny side of your breakup; Get over him on a budget
The Sunny Side (of your Break)-up
I'm not sure there is anything more depressing and at the same time exhilarating than a breakup. The latter, of course is not immediately apparent or realized.
My first breakup felt like I got pushed off the edge of a tower and landed on my face. Yes, it hurt, probably even more than this metaphorical face-land. Of course, it only hurt that much because he broke up with me, so I definitely had more vested in the relationship that he had. Argh. Face-land.
During that time nothing would have made me happier than getting back into the relationship, which was silly. The relationship clearly wasn't working out, was less than enjoyable in the grand scheme of things and was of an inferior quality, which I seemed to be content with; crazy thing is i seemed to want back in! It's like being set free from a dilapidated, crummy prison and they toss you out with your belongings and then you kind of sit in front of the prison, sobbing and begging to be let back in. Tsk.
If you think about it though, a breakup really is a blessing! It just means that wasn't the right person or that wasn't the right time to be in the relationship. A break up is an opportunity provided to meet the real person for you(1); You also get a chance to improve yourself before you meet this mystery 'next person'(2); You get to be single again(3). Don't let all the single people have all the fun. Live. Live like there is no tomorrow because there IS a tomorrow and it's full of plans, pretending to be a grown up and an occasional diaper slip*. Enjoy it, book a ticket somewhere, climb a wall or two, stay out late or go out early.
You see, breakups are not so bad, apart from the initial face-land....and the crying....and the wailing in front of the hypothetical prison; other than those, it actually sets you up for a bright future with a turnt-up, better version of yourself, who has completely experienced all that being single has to offer, ready to gallop into the sunset, with the right person!
*A situation where you step on a used diaper and subsequently fall face-first into it.
Other breakup posts: Breakup on a budget, the fishes in the sea after the breakup and reasons we remain in bad relationships! Enjoy!
18 Questions and Weekend Chill with Skip!
We all know Skip, right? Our reader, who i suspect might be a secret writer in his spare time, who sends me letters at will and on the most interesting topics. When i read his first letter, i must have spent about 2 weeks, trying to figure out a reply. He sent me this recently; this fun, easy read with more rhetorical questions than a grumpy grandpa could have! I don't suppose i'll reply and attempt to turn this into a battle of wits. I loved it and wouldn't stop laughing! To the Yes/No questions, i think my answer was 'Yes, probably!' to all. Lol. Which is your favorite question? Thanks, Skip! Enjoy your weekend, Everybody!
Dear Lix,
What do you do when somebody wants to kiss you but you don’t want to kiss them back?
Have you wanted to kiss someone so bad but they didn’t want to kiss you at all?
Were you ever busy kissing someone and they wanted you to stop because all of a sudden they don’t want to kiss you anymore because now they want to kiss someone else?
Did you ever get tired and didn’t want to kiss anymore, but the person you’re kissing is still keen on kissing but you want to kiss someone else?
Have you ever been in the process of kissing someone in what you thought was an extremely passionate moment, and you kind of slightly open your eyes and they are wide-eyed staring at you like ‘waris dis one doing?'
Why did you kind of slightly open your eyes?
How do you handle being left high and dry mid-kiss?
What if you were kissing someone and you like it, so you promise to keep on kissing, just them forever and ever, but you’re a promise and fail and you change your mind, not necessarily because you found someone else to kiss, but you just don’t want to kiss them anymore, is that wrong?
Sometimes after they promise forever and ever, they just stop kissing you without any explanation, now you don’t know what to do with all this shimmer on your lips, how do you deal?
Have you ever found yourself wanting to kiss this certain person, but not anymore, but sometimes and at other times, but not all the time, and then you want to, but then you don’t want to, so you stop, and you start, and they don’t do it right but you like their face?
How do you tell someone you’re currently kissing that you’ve found someone else you like kissing better, so you’d like permission to start kissing that someone else full time?
Is it really important to ask someone if you can kiss them before you start kissing them?
If you kiss them without asking, and they don’t push you, but then they’re not actively, really kissing you back, but you’re fine with it because you’re kissing them anyway, is that ok?
What if you didn’t ask if you could kiss them, and when you start to kiss them, they start to scream at you and push you and try really hard to get your mouth off their face, what does this really mean?
Why do some people want to be kissing more than one person at the same time?
Why is it that some people are never satisfied even when they say they are? You kiss them all they want and "every-how" but they still want to kiss someone else?
.....So this person starts to kiss you and it’s oh soooo good, then you see pre-wedding pictures, and they’re getting married next month, what the hell?
On your sofa.
Skip
To Skip- How I Found "X"
Weeks ago, a PGI reader sent me this letter about his experience on Dating Boulevard, in search of "X", the ever-elusive Ms. Right. At the end, he asked me how i found my "X" and here is my response to Skip's letter. Hope this helps, Skip!
'There are many ways to find X', the teacher said,'Keep trying.'
He would make me sit and strive to find this mysterious value. On some days, I'd make up a number; I'd make an educated guess and being the terribly assertive person I am, I would argue, that the true value of "X" was equal to my made-up answer.
'X=Dimeji', I'd chirp at the teacher and walk out of the class with that self-righteous look you so rightly described in your letter, Chip.
But in 7 months or less, X would have morphed into this grotesque sum known as "Ex". I'd come back into the class, a little burnt out but still willing to find this X. How dare it prove so elusive? Did it not know I was growing old?
Sometimes, I'd get a real value just like you, Skip! A real value! I would be so certain this was it. This was X! Then it would turn out not to be.
A fond memory was when I found X, for the umpteenth time and oh, how I loved X; how he made my heart skip and turned my mind to mush, how his lashes intrigued me in all its black, curly glory; then I found out that X was finding the square root of Y. Y was some hot girl with huge breasts who I believe lived in Oregun at the time.
The real X is ever so elusive, sometimes and other times right beneath our noses or the noses of others.
So how did I find X?
I'll be honest, I found X because I asked the teacher; no not that teacher, not the one I mentioned in the first part of this letter. No, not Life; Life is a crazy teacher, the one who tells me to keep trying; the one who knocked me on the head with the revelation of big-breasted Y; the one who mocked me every year I got older and still couldn't find X. Life loads you with so much drama and trauma that the chances of finding X in the first place is equal to zero! He almost provides no help at all, just innumerable chances to keep trying to find x, over and over.
The teacher I asked, was the head teacher, teacher of life itself, the creator of X.
I asked Him plainly. "Where is X?"
He stared back at me and knew I was serious this time. I was done with the guessing and the Enny Meeny Miny's- the Dimeji's and the ones who found square roots were now in the past. He looked me straight in the eyes and that day, I knew he heard.
In less than 6 months, X found me.
And after 7 years, the summation of X and I was solved and now, we are equal to 1.
Must Read: Finding "X"!
Three weeks ago I received a letter from a reader nicknamed Skip. I've traveled, slept, stared into space, chewed Rice Krispies absentmindedly, mulling over this letter, over the questions he asked me. It took me quite a while to figure out what the right response would be. Eventually, I told him the truth.
With Skip's permission here's his letter. Feel very free to respond in the comments section below! (Lix is the nickname dubbed me by this equally aliased person)
Dear Lix,
Any assumption you make about how miserably poor I was at basic arithmetic is right! Actually, only the absolute worst assumption would be right. It was that bad! Solving the supposedly simple sums almost ruined my greatness, but I graduated primary school, eventually. So you can imagine what happened to my super-hero-life in secondary school when simultaneous equations got into the mix. But what’s a super hero without a nemesis?
………. find x
Arrrrgh! This damn question or instruction or whatever.
The frustration it brought me was almost spiritual, I was hopeless, like I was born without the requisite skills to find "x". And come to think of it, it could have been a medical condition. I bet there’s medical research going on right now somewhere; I bet there’s a support group somewhere for folks living with this condition.
Anywhoz, I just didn’t gerrit, I could never find x.
What’s your story? How did it make you feel? Did it bother you too or were you better than me? I bet you were better than me and you found "x" all the time. I can feel your self-righteousness from here sef; mtchewwwww! Lol!
And my imagination Lix, sometimes I would just drift during tests and stare at the ceiling; who was this being asking me to find x? I used to picture Gandalf. Sometimes it was my old primary school math teacher. He was mean and probably a wizard too.
Sometimes they were together, Gandalf and my old primary school math teacher.
They would sit and laugh, share stories about my previous tests and mock me.
The fun they had during my London GCSE Math exam! And I ended up with a ‘U’ grade too. Lix, there’s the A* and the A grade, then B and C, then D, then E, and then there’s F for Fail, followed by ‘Absent’ and finally U for ‘unclassified’. You can imagine the kind of intense nonsense I must have written to be graded lower that someone who was absent.
Are you still proud of me? Are you close to buying the ‘medical condition’ theory yet?
The ultimate humor is how confident and sure I always was about "x". I always thought I found "x" until the teacher said I didn’t, until I got my test score.
I’ve always wondered why anyone needed "x" anyway, why so necessary? Why so frequently? Like why is it so important and what is it supposed to do? What happens when you find x? The right x.
One time, after all was said and done, I found x and I was certain. There was no confusion; her smile, the way she looked at me and how she made me feel, this was it. If there ever was an x, this was the most confident I had ever been.
She was vivacious. She looked like I like, walked like I like, thought like I like and prayed like I like. What more could I ask for? And what she saw in me, when she spoke about me; the best medicine.
She always built me up.
Whatever went wrong?
My best answer has always been timing. Timing not because she was older, timing not because she was ready to settle waaay ahead of time and I wasn’t. Maybe her fault was being right at the wrong time.
There was no doubt she was right, there is no doubt. She was definitely x, the right x. Errrr okay Lix, I know. I know I shouldn’t be taken seriously as to what x is, isn’t or what it should be, but she felt so right, the only heart I ever broke.
How the hell then do you find x? Not just any x though, but the right x? Is there an x for every phase? Is there really an absolute right x that works out the theory of everything or do you just find any x and make it right? Did every couple find the right x or are they just getting by?
..one x to rule them all, one x to find them,
one x to bring them all and in the darkness bind them..
…hehehe… straightface.
You’ve found x Lix. Tell me.
I always thought I found x until the teacher said I didn’t, until I got my test score.
On your sofa,
Skip.
4 Things I wish I knew on Dating Boulevard
It would be so great if we all had a map, compass and a picture of "The One", as we walk down Dating Boulevard (DB); better yet, if we had Google maps and the red pin was where the one was at!
Wouldn't it be bliss, if Dating Boulevard was a ruly, civil road free of crazy people; if it had traffic wardens so we don't get run over by those same crazy people. The interesting thing is we DO have wardens, we just don't pay them any attention; friends, family, even ourselves. Sometimes, your inner self is like "There's something odd about this guy; his long, curly lashes and his slow blink and the way he stares directly into my soul. Careful." Yup, we have self-checks. Then the emotional part of your brain goes,"......*sulk*......But he stares into my soul and give me butterflies and my heart is beating like a jungle drum!!! Rroo ka do ka do goong ka do ka roo doong."
We ignore our warden and then BAM! Curly eyes runs you over with his heartbreak-mobile.
Clearly, this lady has been more successful on DB
I got on dating boulevard pretty early, so I've had my fair share of run-overs. In no time did I realize I had to learn to be street-wise. I had taken a couple of wrong turns, jay-walked aimlessly and ended up at someone else's red pin.
I admit, i did meet some interesting people along the way but still wish i was a bit more savvy. Here are 4 things I wish I knew on Dating Boulevard:
1. Develop your bullshit-o-meter
54% of the time you can tell if a person is being dishonest. Pretty good odds. More than half of the time, you can tell a jerk from a true catch. O, what needless heartbreaks we bare, because we do not develop our bullshit-o-meter. I definitely could have avoided some miss-road situations and curly eyes if I had developed mine. I could have cut them down by 50% ! Pay attention to your wardens.
2. Know when to cut your losses and jaywalk
Hanging on to someone who clearly wants nothing to do with you is an absolute life retardant. If you think about in DB terms, it's actually stalking. Lol. Find someone who makes all effort to make YOU happy and then respond accordingly. Your happiness comes first, look out for yourself. The streets ain't loyal.
3. Do some research on curly eyes
I think one of the most exciting things about dating is the tingling excitement and manic butterfly episodes that happen in our tummies. Still, research and scrutiny are your best friends. Don't try to kill the butterflies, just scrutinize according and keep your own happiness formost. Find out about him, his past. Knowing if he's a serial-heartkiller helps tremendously, don't you think?
4. Let "the one who got away" get-the-heck away!
There's probably some crazy science behind craving the one who got away. Pause while I go find out ---- haven't found anything, if you do, please let us know. Ok, so i seem a little intolerant of the ones who got away. They just tend to do more ruffling than anything else. They confuse and cause unhealthy doses of nostalgia. You keep running into him on every corner of DB. Keep moving. No second glances, no detours, otherwise you run the risk of missing your red pin!
Sometimes the one who got away is a blessing and "away" really is where he belongs!
Any "curly eyes" experiences? How do you (or did you) survive Dating Boulevard? Share with us!
Proposal- And she said 'No'
So you are in a restaurant, having dinner with him and the waiter has brought in dessert. You are mildly distracted by a message on your phone. In a moment, your boyfriend is on his knees with an open ring box.
You freeze, other customers are smiling, some are applauding, the waiter is beaming, (probably because he's up for a big tip after you say "Yes".) You look at him(your bf, not the waiter), as in, really look at him....it just doesn't feel right AT ALL. You don't see yourself with him in 50 years or even in 7 months. The answer is a definite "No", but how do you say "No" with all these people watching?
Whoever heard of the girl who said "No?!!!"
Fear not. We have. Well, we are about to; a study shows 1 in every 4 women turn down a marriage proposal. Less than 25% of those women end up regretting that decision. I guess the other 75% were right on the money when they said "No can do, bro."
The study reports that the women just didn't think it felt right; the proposal, the guy...everything. The famous feminine intuition kicked in! These girls were able to see past the unexpected proposal with the glitz, glam and serenading waiter; the glimmering ring and the crowd and say "No."
It's admirable making such a solid decision under so much pressure, understanding that the course of your life hangs on to whether you are "too nice to say No" or "too shy to say Nah-ahn in front of a crowd".
To be honest though, it's awkward saying "No" in public; the guy would probably be traumatized eternally. I guess you could say "Maybe", then a "No" later. Right?
Could you ever say "No" in public to a proposal?